Hey guys! So, I just adopted a new cat, more specifically, an American Shorthair, and so far, we've bonded pretty well. Everytime I go and sit down, he'll hop on up on my lap and curl up on me. Every day I spend with him, I feel us getting a special bond, and it's a feeling that's absolutely phenomenal. However, he does tend to get a bit edgy whenever I take a shower.

You see, I'm used to living alone, so I'm not ashamed to say that I often walk around my house naked. One day, as I walked to my bathroom for a shower,little Caesar (that's his name) was in front of me, and as he soon as he saw me, his tail curled up underneath him and he pee'd all over the carpet. He was literally shaking! So I went back to the adoption center, and got a report on his past owners. It turns out, they constantly molested this cat, and so he was frightened when he saw my nudity.

Now, I figured that he's been molested before, why stop now? So every weekend, I come home from my long, stressful job as a bank clerk, and I tie my cat down in my bedroom. I proceed to stretch open it's anus as wide as possible, and make love to it as hard as I can. Now, I need advice on how to insure that I inflict the most pain on him. Should I instead insert an extremely heated rod laced with lemon juice and salt into his anus? I've also thought of slowly putting in my hunting knife while I blast hardcore death music into it's ears. Also, I'd like to cut open it's stomach and make sweet love to the resulting hole, but should I burn the wound first to hear it scream even louder in pain? Sometimes, if I'm feeling really bored, I'll invite some of my friends and we'll all take turns humping the cat, ejaculating all over it's fur and into it's eyes. Speaking of eyes, I plan on cutting it's eyes out and raping the holes, possibly while shaving off it's fur and carving out chunks of it's flesh for my dinner later. In the end, I plan on burning whatever's left of the corpse, and then I'll proceed to snort the ashes.

Please, leave any suggestions for the next cat I plan on adopting. This time, I might just adopt a cat with some form of mental illness, or possibly a few missing limbs.

Lol, let's see how many people take this seriously.